So I’ve taken quite a break from blogging the second half of the summer because I NEEDED ONE. I noticed I lost my ‘spark’ for a bit + it was super frustrating for me. It took some digging deep to figure out why that spark was gone, let me share a bit of what I discovered during that time away.
Through my process of healing from my eating disorder I learned many things, both from a clinical standpoint and learning how to handle life without an addiction to food and exercise. I noticed that many people in this stage of my life talked about a ‘mask’ that we would wear as someone healing from an eating disorder and it took some time to discover what that really looked like for me. After putting lots of tears, time + money into 1-1 therapy sessions as well as group therapy, I learned that I had in fact become very comfortable over time putting this mask on to avoid sharing how I really feel in moments that happen on a daily basis. The best example I can think of here is when someone asks you how you’re doing, + you respond with ‘good, how about you”? I learned that my emotions didn’t always have to be in check because during these few years, I was going through emotional turmoil + my world with my addiction to food + exercise was crumbling as I worked to rebuild it in a manner that actually served me well. …Imagine that. First off, I am not always ‘good’, sometimes I’m sad or a little depressed, stressed, anxious, angry, you name it… I feel it. Like all the time. Admitting this is not to say that I don’t feel joy, passion + love because I certainly do, I just try to focus on the positive because I can be a negative thinker by fault.
I have come to a very stable place in my recovery over time, but I’ve noticed that it’s very easy to fall back into the place of putting on a mask that everything is always great + that I’m always happy, because that’s what I knew for most of my life. It takes a lot of practice not to slip into old ways (can anyone else relate to that)? …Whatever it might be, we all have things we struggle with + mine is trying to balance my emotions + taking a look at whether or not I’m being true to myself, if I’m feeling joyous, taking it in + enjoying the moment, + when I’m feeling down or stressed, recognizing that emotion + feeling it, but not allowing myself to wallow in that pain. (you feel me on this)?
Taking time for myself to be genuine, figure out why (+ where) my spark went was a little painful. I tend to over-analyze every thought + emotion…. blame it on all of the therapy I went through to recover. But the thing is, I’M ALWAYS GOING TO BE A WORK IN PROGRESS + I love that about myself. Learning + growing to be the best version of myself is something I’m dedicated to + I totally recognize that the needle isn’t always going to be moving forward on this journey. Sometimes it will jump back or bobble in the same space for a while + that’s what life is all about.
After coming to this realization myself, I want to know if you struggle with being authentic + genuine about your REAL EMOTIONS. Drop me a line or send me a message to share how you cope with being authentic + how you recognize pain or moments when you’re down + move on from them. ALL responses welcome! It’s so good to be back! ❤